Divorce and Children

Don't Underestimate the effect a divorce will have on your kids, It will change their lives forever.

By Clare Denton

When things go wrong in a marriage it is often wondered if the couple involved should stay together for the children. The fact of the matter is that it's not the separation that does the most damage, it's the living in a war zone that affects the kids. Nobody wants to live in a world that swings from stony silence to screaming fits and back again. Even if it's not that extreme children can sense when things aren't as they should be and may even wonder if it's something they've done.

During divorce proceedings try to make sure the children know what is going on. Explain it in terms they can understand. They need to know how they will be affected and reassured that you will do your best to keep their lives as unchanged as possible. Try to avoid a situation where they will have to leave their school and friends at the same time as seeing their parents separate.

It's also important that both parents let them know they are not to blame and reinforce this message without actually blaming anyone. They do not need to know who did what, just that it isn't their fault.

One of the worst thing that can happen to a child during the divorce process is to find themselves torn between the two parents wondering if they should be siding with one or the other. Never confide in your child no matter how old they are. Find an understanding friend to share your troubles with. Your child needs to be able to freely love both parents.

Keeping schools and other organisations your children belong to informed is a good idea. The official adults they are in contact with can then make more informed decisions on how to behave with your child. They are also more likely to notice if there are any profound changes in your child's behaviour which may suggest they are not handling the situation well. There is no shame in divorce these days. It is certainly not uncommon and these official adults may well have previous experience with children in this situation and be able to help.

When the other parent is not prepared to be fair about arrangements for whatever reason, it is important that the other doesn't start having a moan to the children. If one doesn't turn up for visits or doesn't allow visits to happen just explain that you don't agree with what they are doing but you will just need to make the best of it. Don't play tit for tat - it is the children that get caught in the middle and nobody will ever win this game.

Rarely is shared custody awarded to parents these days so there will be just the one principle carer. Children need to know, however, that both parents still want to be a part of their lives. For the person who does not have principle care it is important that your children know your home is theirs too. Make a space fro their belongings to stay for when they visit.

When a parent enters a new relationship it can be quite disconcerting for the children. They may feel guilty about liking this new person and feel like they are being disloyal to the other parent. Once a new relationship is established try introducing the new partner as a friend to begin with. The relationship in the eyes of the children can be changed once the children have had a chance to make up their own mind about the new person in their lives.

As far ash the children are concerned, even once divorce has taken place, mum, dad and kids are still family. This means they will want both parents involved in the important events in their lives. Try to help each other and work together in getting both of you to the school play or graduation day. You may have ended your marriage but your partnership in bringing up your children in the best way possible must continue.

 About the Author: Clare Denton offers help and support for divorcing couples. Here she talks about the impact of divorce and children . For online support visit her site at Coping with Divorce Click here for other unique effects of divorce on children articles

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